Attention all CINOs (Christians In Name Only)! If you enjoy eating pyzza (fake pizza), then a national chains has something new for you! Instead of trying to find an image of Jesus or the Virgin Mary in your food, how about trying to find another cosmic being? One that is all-powerful, all-terrifying, and one that is more attune to your actions, thoughts and behaviors than Mr Goodwill-Towards-Men, Do-Unto-Others, and Peace-on-Earth… you know, the person whose name you use in vain every single day?
That’s right! In this age of our current President, we will have a new pyzza that is more appropriate for our times. For only $6.66, you can get a 12 inch Cthulhu-style pyzza. Because this is the age of “Fake News,” all the ingredients and toppings will be fake. The tomato sauce will be artificial, the cheese will be artificial, the meats and veggies will be artificial. As another President of the United States once noted, “Peaches come from a can, they were put there by a man. In a factory downtown.”
The Cthulhu pyzza will premiere in Columbus, IN, the birthplace of the Vice-President of the USA, and secret President of the Indiana Chapter of the Cthulhu Fan Club, Mike Pence. It will spread out from there, slowly and gradually, like the way a cancer spreads through a human body.
But this deal isn’t for everyone. It’s for CINOs only. And thanks to the Republican lawmakers, discriminating for religious purposes is legal! So sorry to all you Catholics, Hebrews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, atheists, Mormons, agnostics, deists, and Satanists. You have to settle for real pizza from a real pizzeria.
Which chain are we talking about? Well, I can’t say exactly, but I can say is that it’s slogan is, “Oh yes we did out pizza the better ingredients, better pizza pizza.”
So for your next
Klan rally, MAGA rally, why not order a couple of Cthulhu style pyzzas for your fellow Caucasians? There’s nothing like a fiery hot pyzza to fire up all that hate and prejudices inside you and your fellow lynch mobsters. And if it gets cold, you can reheat it with your Tiki torch.
Since you already blindly support one lesser evil wannabe mob boss, why now follow a greater one as well? Is it good for you? Of course it is! Your GOP-
bribed appointed officials wouldn’t lie to you, would they? And so what if you get food poisoning? It’s not like you can afford the newly jacked-up hospital bill, or the hyper jacked-up prescribed medicines anyways? You’re already counting on the Rapture to occur any moment anyways? So why not live like there’s no tomorrow!
…And unlike a real pizza, yes, you can put ketchup on top of this.